Phallica #01

It was way too late for me to be out and about. I was way too old to be dressing up in black spandex and a domino mask and go running around in the bad end of town. I was way too out of my depth to be hiding in a warehouse trying to do some kind of sting operation on a drug deal. I should have been back at my apartment, studying for my finals. But that was the thing about being a college student living on your own, your parents weren’t there to force you to be good. At twenty-one, I shouldn’t need my parents to do that anyway. But then, I also shouldn’t have mysteriously gained the power to psychically control penises.

You heard me.

In a world where it seems like one in every million people end up with crazy super powers, that still leaves… uh… wait how many people are there in the world? Six-point-three billion or something? So, that still leaves several thousand people with super powers running around. And I’m one of them. And I get something ridiculous like being able to give men boners with just a thought. Still, I’ve heard of worse. There was that one crook who got the power to change the color of their skin. He thought he could use it to camouflage himself. He didn’t think about the fact that his clothes didn’t change with him.

Alright, look. When you get super powers, you either become a superhero or a supervillain. That’s just how things work, right? Or you become an entrepreneur and use your powers to start a business. I guess I could work as a sex therapist for guys or something, but honestly, I don’t really have the ambition, or seed money, to start a practice. And I’m not exactly a people person. So instead, I chose the profession where I get to help people by beating up other people.

…shit, I’m gunna get killed.

I took a breath and looked around me to make sure I was still secure in my hiding spot. The warehouse was a condemned wreck from a fire that started a few years ago. The building had been abandoned and rotting for ten years before that, and no one ever got around to knocking it down. This naturally made it the perfect place for drug deals to go down. I was tucked away in a corner of the building, behind some rusty old barrels, completely cloaked in shadow. I’d been sitting here for a couple hours now, having walked here around sunset. My car was parked several blocks away, and a more reputable street.

The middle of the building, about a hundred and fifty feet from my current position, was illuminated by moonlight from the huge section of collapsed roof. This section had been cleared of debris and rubble, enough to fit a few cars. As the midnight hour approached, two such cars appeared, their lights dimming immediately once they entered the lot. From one car, a sleek black muscle car, stepped a couple young men in, well, they weren’t suits. I guess business casual? Slacks and button up shirts. The other car was a run down sedan, from which two slightly younger men dressed in shorts and ripped muscle shirts came out. The thugs approached the casuals with a bit of exaggerated swagger.

I let them talk, still peaking between the barrels. I didn’t actually need to watch them to track them. Within a single kilometer, I could easily detect the presence of every penis, knowing exactly how many guys were in range and where they were in relation to me. Yes, it’s exactly as distracting as it sounds if I’m not making an effort to tune it out.

And that was the main reason I decided to go on this little crime fighting venture. You ever notice how most crooks and supervillain mooks are just random guys? It’s the one thing about being a superhero that I could take good advantage of: most gangs and crime rings and street level villains were male. And that meant they were easily vulnerable to my power.

I waited, “watching” them through my power as the business-casual men presented a briefcase, one of them opening it to show the thugs the contents. The two thugs’ eyes bugged out for a second before they composed themselves, and handed over a duffle bag. The second casual man checked inside it. After a few moments, they all seemed to agree on the transaction, and the briefcase was handed over. The two pairs stepped back towards their cars.

Now was the time to make my move. I extended my powers out, like invisible hands. I clasped these hands around the testicles of the four men, then gave them all a nice firm squeeze. All four of them cried out, then stumbled to the ground as I made them all feel a good, hard yank on their scrotums.

Oh yeah, I can control testicles, too. I guess “control of male genitals” would be the more accurate description for my power. Actually it’s less “control” than it is “sensory deception.” I don’t actually move or apply any force to their genitals, but I can make them feel as though I am. I’m not actually squeezing their balls with telekinesis or anything, they just have the sensation of a strong female hand crushing their delicate nuts. The good news is there is no actual damage occurring. The bad news is I can make it hurt in ways they can’t even imagine.

“W-what the f-fuck?” squeaked one of the thugs, clutching at himself. The second thug was trying to reach for the gun in his back pocket, but I made him feel like his nuts were being savagely twisted; he could only yelp like a kicked puppy and clutch himself. I felt bad for him. Honest. I stood up from the shadowed corner, stepping out from behind the barrels, but staying in the darkness. I attempted my best gravely hero voice.

“Drop the money, the guns, and your goo—ahack! Gah…”

Okay, note to self, work on my gravely hero voice. I cleared my throat and tried again, just attempting to make my voice sound deeper.

“Drop the money, the guns, and the goods, you can all go home still being men.”

“F-f-fuck off, bitch!” yelled one of the casuals. Despite the pain I was making him feel, he managed to grab a pistol out of his pocket and fired a shot into the darkness. He missed wildly. The echo in the shadowy ruins made it difficult for them to pinpoint where I was. Nonetheless, I opted to shift over a few feet and press myself against the wall. This vantage point made me lose sight of the casual men as a slab of rubble blocked my view, but I could still sense their location. The thug boys I could still see well enough, curled up in front of their car. I slid along the wall and the slab, poking my head around just enough to see what the casuals were doing.

“Do it or I’ll rip them off!” I called out. I made them feel the sensations of sharp fingernails digging into the base of their balls. The four men howled in pain. I let up on the sensation just enough to let them fish out their weapons and toss them aside. One thug shoved the briefcase away a few moments before one of the casuals tossed away the duffle bag of what I presumed was money.

“Alright,” I called out. “Now get the fuck out of here, before I castrate you!”

I eased up on the sensations. Since there was no actual damage done to their bodies, the pain faded immediately. I kept the feeling of a firm hand clasping them, however, which I wasn’t going to let go of until they had driven out of range, just to make sure they knew I wasn’t to be testes.

I mean tested.

The two thugs scrambled to their car immediately and peeled out as they raced off, but one of the casuals knocked on the window of their muscle car. The driver’s side was facing me, so I didn’t see anything for a moment. Then, from behind the passenger side of the car, a rather huge, imposing figure rose up and leaned over the car’s hood. In the dim moonlight, I could make out a tall, broad shouldered figure dressed in tight red spandex. Large golden bracers gleamed on her arms, as did a simple gold headband which held back her long flowing red hair. The figure was a woman of Amazonian proportions, and from the way she was dressed, it looked like I wasn’t the only super powered chick in the area.

“Uh… yeah…?” the woman said, sounding sleepy.

“Didn’t you hear us shout, you dumb broad?” said business casual on the left, leaning heavily against the car.

“Oh, well, yeah, but, you said not to come out unless you gave the signal.”

“For fuck’s sake, I shouldn’t have to give the signal if it’s obvious we’re getting attacked!”

“But you told me to stay in the car unless you gave me the signal.” The woman sounded a bit confused, and spoke with the slightly strained hesitation of someone trying to figure out a particularly complex puzzle.

“It’s common sense!”

“Hey, man, I just do what I’m ordered. What’s the problem anyway?”

“I…” the two men traded a glance, and if it hadn’t been for the dim lighting, I’m sure I would have seen them flush with embarrassment. “Something’s got us by the balls!”

“Huh?”

“I dunno! Something’s grabbing our balls!”

“It looks like your grabbing your own balls,” said the woman, her brow furrowing.

“Because it hurts!” said the other man. I actually wasn’t hurting them now, but the phantom hand effect was still quite firm.

“Honey, if they’re that blue, you really ought to crank one out before you leave the house,” said the tall woman in a sage voice.

The two men gawked at her. “This isn’t that!”

The second man growled in frustration. He lunged forward to snatch up two of the guns on the ground. “Fuck this, let’s just—” I cut him off with a feeling of a hot poker straight down his urethra. He shrieked like a stuck pig, curled into a ball and hit the ground in an awkward roll. He hollered and thrashed as I worked the sensation straight from the tip to the base.

I winced as I heard him scream. I kept it up for three whole seconds; the other guy freaked out and grabbed himself instinctively. The woman was startled out of her sleepy demeanor; her jaw dropped and eyes widened as she saw the man brutalized on the ground by my mental command.

I cut the sensations. In fact, I felt bad enough that I sent cool, soothing sensations to replace the painful ones, easing him from the shock of agony. I was finding myself a little appalled at my own viciousness. Then again, I really, really didn’t want to get shot.

I cleared my throat a bit. “What the fuck did I tell you? Leave your stuff and get out of here!”

“Aaaah! Find that bitch and kill her!” yelled the man, getting shakily up from the ground. He didn’t make a second go for the guns or the two pieces of luggage. The first guy went ahead and ducked into the car.

“What are you waiting for, you dumb broad?” said the other guy, whirling on the red-clad woman.

The woman scowled at him and crossed her arms. “My name is Broad, not Dumb Broad.”

The man cowered a bit, as it remembering just who he was talking to, “Fine, okay, sorry, just get it done!”

“Alright, let me grab my thingy first.” She ducked back into the car for a second, then came back out. There was a distinct clinking and clanking, followed by a metallic thunk. As she came out around the corner, I could see her dragging a solid iron ball, the size of a basketball, attached to a ten-foot chain of thick iron links. The second man scrambled around to the passenger side and jumped in. The car quickly sped out of the building and out onto the lot, where they waited with the engine running.

Okay, well, I could still easily crush their balls, but now they were too far away to hear my demands. Demands such as call off the woman who was currently swinging that big metal ball around like it was nothing. The muscles of her toned, well-built figure bulged as she swung her weapon. Broad waited until a good speed had built up, then let go of the chain with the spinning hand, hanging on to the very end of the chain so she could swing the ball in a wide circle around her. There was a thunderous crash and shards of metal and concrete went flying as the iron ball smashed its way through collapsed walls and twisted girders like a buzzsaw through cardboard.

I couldn’t help but let out a small yelp as I ducked behind the large slab of collapsed roof I’d been peering out from. Shrapnel blasted across the slab hard enough to dig ruts and leave small cracks. I cowered down, my hands over my ears to block the noise, and I still felt rattled. Holy mother of god, what were the fucking odds? They brought a superhuman to this little drug deal, and it was another woman. What were the fucking odds?

Even with my ears covered, I heard a sudden thud, and felt a brief vibration through the floor. I looked up in time to see the red-clad woman come around the slab. She must have leapt the distance from the moonlit area to where I was. Her features were obscured in the shadows of my hiding area, but her silhouette loomed over me against the moonlit background she’d come from.

“Hey there,” she said amiably.

I cleared my throat and stood up. Even when I was standing up fully straight, she was a whole head and shoulders taller than me, bringing me eye-level with her ample bosom. She also loomed over me in sheer body mass; her arm was at least three times thicker than mine. “Uh… y-yo!”

“You the one beating up my boys’ balls back there?” She idly let the iron ball dangle a couple feet off the ground, letting it gently swing back and forth.

“N-now what on Earth would make you think that?” I said, trying not to audibly gulp.

“Your voice is the same one we just heard,” she said.

“Oh, r-really?” I said, letting my voice climb a couple octaves. “Goodness, that wasn’t me, that must have been, um, some other girl squatting in another corner!”

“Uh-huh,” sad the lady. “You’re also a chick dressed in spandex at a drug deal. Even I know only two types of nutcases do that. The question is, are you kind of nut I work with, or the kind I beat up?”

“Uh… um… well, uh… I’ve always preferred almonds myself,” I said. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, note to self number two: work on witty comebacks.

The lady frowned and cocked her head to the side. “Almonds? Gross. Peanuts are the only good nuts.”

“What about cashews?”

“Blech. They’re even worse than almonds.”

“What about walnuts?”

“Barf.”

“What about pistachios?”

“Eh.”

“What about… uh… shit…”

“Pecans?”

“Yeah! Yeah, what about pecans?”

“Double-barf.”

Suddenly, the woman flicked her wrist, and the iron ball shot past me like a bullet, punching into the floor next to my left foot. I cringed back and froze in place. As our little schtick had gone on, I’d been slowly inching my way to the left to try and get an opening to escape, since the slab of ceiling cut me off on the right, and I was stuck between the wall and her on the back and front.

“Look, peanuts are the only good nuts, and that’s that,” she said.

I swallowed. Was she fucking with me or were we actually arguing over snack foods? “What about boy nuts?” I said.

She then blinked and frowned. “Boy nuts? What are those?”

“You know, like balls,” I said. Keep her talking. The longer she was talking, the longer she wasn’t throwing that mini-wrecking ball at me and I could buy time to think of an escape plan. Unfortunately, nothing was really coming to mind. The closest thing I had to an actual weapon on hand was a small bottle of mace, and I’m pretty sure she would flatten me before I could even use it.

“Balls aren’t nuts,” the lady said. She was back to swinging her own iron ball gently back and forth a few feet off the floor. Such a casual, unguarded pose, and yet she’d been able to snap that thing at me like a gunshot. I was pretty goddamned cornered.

“I mean, you know, testicles,” I said. “It was a joke.”

“Oh!” she said. She stopped swinging the ball and chain and looked up with a confused expression on her face, then back to me. I started to take a step to my left again, but she looked back at me before I could complete it, and I stumbled back before she could flick her weapon at me again. “You can’t eat those.” She paused and thought again. “Well, I guess you can, but you’re not supposed to. And why would you want to anyway?”

There was the sound of a honking car. The two business casual drug pushers were signaling her to hurry up. I sent a painful stabbing sensation into both their testicles, which caused them to curl up and clutch at themselves.

“Ugh, they’re so bossy,” said the lady rolling her eyes. “Anyway, where were we?”

“You were about to let me go, on account of our mutual love of peanuts,” I said, hoping it sounded more like a statement than a question.

“Oh, well… I mean, I guess, but…”

She looked confused again. I found myself wondering if Dumb Broad wasn’t actually her code name.

“Well, okay, cool, we’ll do this again sometime. Meanwhile, I gotta go catch up on some homework, so I’ll see you around!” I started to confidently walk to the left, taking the wide route around my hulking adversary.

“Okay, cool,” she said. I couldn’t believe that actually worked.

I got about ten feet before my disbelief was proven wise. I was almost surprised she didn’t say, “Hey, wait a minute,” but to her credit, the only warning I got was the slight scuff of a foot turning on the dirty concrete and the slight tink of chain links as she started her swing. I threw myself to the side just as the iron ball wooshed through the air, missing my side by an inch. I managed to hit the floor, roll, and leap into a second dive, just as the iron ball was whipped back and tore a deep rut in the ground. I rolled to my feet and dashed towards the moonlit center of the warehouse, where the crooks had dropped all their stuff. There was another wooshing sound, and the lady went soaring over my head in a tremendous leap that carried her to the center of the meeting place. I managed to duck right in time to feel the iron ball, carried behind her as she passed over me, swish right through my hair. I turned my duck into another rolling dive and managed to get my hands on two pistols. I aimed both guns at the lady and fired.

She was maybe ten feet away, and most of my shots hit. However, none of them made so much as a bruise; the bullets bounced off her skin and suit. One of the ricochets pinged off the ground near my foot, and I opted to stop firing. Dropping the guns, I swallowed hard and raised my hands.

“Uh… can I maybe just surrender?”

“Sorry, they told me to kill you,” she said. She raised her hand, holding the chain, and took a couple steps forward to make sure I was in range.

“Maybe it was just an expression?”

She paused and thought it over for a few seconds. “No. No, it sounded like they were pretty serious.”

“Wait!” I said. “Wait, if you kill me, I’ll castrate those two guys you’re with! They’re still within my power!”

“You’ll what?”

Lord help me. “I’ll rip their balls off!”

“The hell? Are you a good guy or aren’t you?”

“Uh…”

“And anyway, why would you attack them with your power when I’m right here?”

“W-well… um… I’m, uh…”

“And what kind of superhero goes straight to ripping off guys’ balls? Are you some kind of psycho feminazi or something?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I said.

“Okay,” was her only response as she shot the iron ball at me. I didn’t actually see it coming at me, but there was a sudden CLANG! and it was there, hovering in front of my face in the time it took me to blink.

“What the hell?” she muttered. The iron ball was still hanging in the air. I scrambled back from it, but it reminded fastened in place. The woman tried to pull it back, but to no avail. “The fuck is going on?” she said. She looked at me, then her eyes widened. “Oh! I get it! Your power is that you have telekinetic control of balls! Wow, what a weird ability.”

“Actually, that wasn’t me,” I said as I got back to my feet, backing away a few more feet. Then, in the moonlight, we saw something glint on the iron ball, and we both noticed that out of nowhere, a golden ring had appeared around it, as if it had caught the thing in mid-air.

Broad pulled harder on the chain, but the ring refused to let go of its prize, even when she dug her heels into the floor hard enough to crack the concrete. She huffed and was about to try again, when suddenly, a shadow loomed over her. The woman looked up just in time to see a truck-sized shape falling towards her like a meteor. She dodged at the last second, and the form slammed hard into the ground, creating a small shockwave that knocked me off my feet.

Then, there was a flash of light, and I could sense two more men appearing, suddenly materializing out of nowhere on the still-intact part of the roof above me. I looked up, but from my angle, I couldn’t see them. I figured it best to duck back into the shadows and let this play out, especially given that the large shape that had just slammed onto the ground was moving. As I watched, the creature unfurled itself out of a huge, jagged shell, standing up on thick legs. Its equally thick arms were thrust forward, long talons hooked towards the large woman in red. A sleek, horn-riddled head with a sharp beak extended from the top of the shell and hissed at its adversary. The thing was some kind of dark green, utterly huge bipedal alligator snapping turtle. Either it was ignoring me or it didn’t know I was here; either way, it was something else my powers had no effect on, and even if I’d been a black belt in ten forms of karate, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be surviving a punch up with that thing.

The woman in red was on her feet, having rolled with her dodge. She put a hand on her hip and scratched her head, frowning. “What the heck is this now?” she said.

“You there!” called out a strong male voice. “Cease your rampage, criminal scum!”

Another voice spoke up, “You sound like a cartoon character.”

“Shut up!” said the first voice. “Surrender yourself, criminal, and we will bring you to the authorities in without harm.”

“Uh, yeah, whatever,” said Broad. She then leaped forward and drove a fist into the turtle creature’s chest. There was a sickening crack and the turtle went flying backwards, the wrecking-ball-sized shell full of jagged spines aiming right for me. I barely managed to throw myself flat on the ground as the huge creature wooshed overhead, then roll away as it impacted against the wall, leaving a crater and sending bits of concrete flying.

“Holy shit! Shell!” the second man leaped down onto the woman. Even in the dark, I could recognize the black-and-white striped costume and mohawk-topped helmet of one of the recent up-and-coming vigilantes in town: Zebra. The young man was a blur of motion, dodging and whirling around the woman as she tried to punch him. She kept missing by several inches each time, even as Zebra pounded her torso and head with a dozen hits for every swing she took. Fast as he was, I was barely able to follow the fight.

The woman finally got lucky, or just managed to figure out some pattern in his moves, because when she made her tenth or twelfth punch, Zebra ducked down, only for her to already be driving her knee up at his face. Zebra barely managed to pull back so the strike dinged the front of his helmet. This was enough to send him flipping up into the air helplessly. As he started to fall, he tried to twist himself to land on his feet, but the woman wasted no time to driving an open-palm slap onto his back that blasted the wind out of his lungs and sent him sailing through the air into one of the building’s support pillars. The loud cracking sound of the impact made me think, hope, that his costume had some kind of armor. Above me, the other man called out to Zebra, but the agile figher didn’t respond.

Behind me, the turtle creature, Shell, was getting back up, though it groaned as it did so. I quickly scooted into the nearest corner to get out of its way. Meanwhile, Broad went back to her ball and chain, still suspended in the air by the golden ring.

“Okay,” came the first male voice. I still couldn’t see him, but I could sense him a dozen feet right above me. “Okay, um, let’s try this again. If you surrender now, you, uh—”

“I ain’t surrendering shit, you towel-head,” Broad said. “They didn’t tell me to kill anyone else, but you’ve really ticked me off.” She pulled once again on the chain, but the ball still refused to budge. “Goddamn it, stop cheating!”

Shell barreled towards her, but she managed to dodge the rush, spin, and kick against Shell’s shell. The turtle creature stumbled forward, but its tail managed to whip up and snag Broad’s leg, throwing her off balance. As she did so, four more golden rings flew threw the air and pinged off the woman’s head. She grunted more in annoyance than pain, but this distraction let Shell whirl around and body slam her into the ground. The turtle monster heaved itself on top of her, pinning her down with her weight, grinding her shell’s spines into her body.

Broad grunted again, crushed against the floor. Shell had to weigh at least a ton, maybe two, just from its sheer size, but to the super-strong warrior, the turtle monster may as well have been a toddler jumping on her back. Having been slammed down face first, Broad got her palms on the floor and pushed up, hard enough to send Shell flying through the air to slam into the ground next to the pillar where Zebra was still unconscious. The same shove had her back on her own feet. Ignoring her ball and chain, she leaped upwards, towards the section of roof I was currently under.

There was a flash of red light, and she flew back down, landing on her ass as wisps of reddish light came off her chest. The four golden rings that had been zipping through the air hovered into view above her, now lined up in a row, red energy glowing between them. They flashed brightly again, sending a laser beam to strike her down as she tried to get back up.

“Goddamn it!” Broad shouted as the weird laser rifle kept shooting her. She didn’t seem particularly hurt by the beams, but they successfully kept knocking her about.

What the fuck was I even doing here? What had I been thinking? My power to control cocks had no place in a fight against super strong warriors and people who could shoot lasers. I thought this was just a normal drug sale. What was an actual supervillain doing riding backseat with some yuppie crack peddlers? Maybe that was something I could do, was investigate the—

I cursed. Even as I turned to find an opening to escape and track down the guys in the car, I realized I couldn’t sense them anymore. I’d been so distracted by the fight, I must have released my power on them, and they took the opportunity to flee, ditching their body guard or leg breaker or whatever this lady was supposed to be.

I noticed Shell was back on its feet, and was plodding back over to her. Zebra, however, was still crumpled on the floor. I made my way to him, picking around the debris, and kneeling down next to him. His breathing was shallow, and he didn’t move as I tapped on his helmet. It was little more than a full-cover motorcycle helmet, painted with the white and black zebra stripes, with the short black Mohawk glued to the top. The visor was one of those dark tinted ones, which made me wonder how well he was even able to see at night. I didn’t want to shake him, lest I risk further injury, but I figured moving him was going to be inevitable, with the fight happening so close by. Maybe if I woke him up, he’d be able to assess his own injuries enough to know?

I concentrated my power on him. I didn’t want to just pinch or slap his balls to wake him up, so instead, I went for pleasure. I coaxed him hard and made the tickling sensations of teasing fingertips run along his shaft. It didn’t take long for him to respond, and the pleasant sensations soon had him stirring. With a grunt he came awake as his hips shifted, and for a moment, he blindly started to try and hump against something. I cut my power off, however, and tapped on his helmet again. He started, then I could see him visibly flinch as he realized someone was leaning over him.

“Sorry,” I said, putting my hands up in a reassuring gesture. “Are you able to move?”

“Yeah… yeah, I just need a minute…”

“Not sure we have a minu—AH!” I was cut off as, faster than I could even flinch, he reached up, grabbed my shoulder and yanked me down onto his chest as a piece of rebar shot right through where my head had been, burying itself in the stone pillar.

“Point taken,” said Zebra. He grunted and let out a choked off shout of pain as he rolled up onto his feet.

“Jesus, be careful!” I said, tucking myself under his arm to lend him some support.

“I’ll… manage… healing factor… just need to… move…”

BOOM! Shell landed a few feet away with a roar. A moment later, there was a crash, as one of the metal barrels shot through the air and smashed into the section of roof where the other male hero had been standing. There was a flash of light, and suddenly a large golden ring flashed into existence next to us. It spun around several times, and then a man dressed in white robes with a turban appeared as the ring vanished.

“Time to go!” he said. He grabbed onto Zebra and me, and the giant ring appeared and spun around all of us. Suddenly, I found myself on the roof of a skyscraper in the middle of downtown. I would have staggered back if I wasn’t supporting Zebra. The man in white robes vanished inside another spinning ring, then came back a few seconds later, carrying the duffle bag of money and the briefcase, and with the giant turtle creature, still on its back, next to him.

The man sagged against Shell’s body, dropping the goods, and put a hand to his head. “Okay, that—that was fucking awful.” He looked at Zebra, practically glaring at him. “You were supposed to grab the stuff while Shell had her distracted, so I could teleport us out immediately!”

Zebra yelled back, “Oh, okay, so I was supposed to let Shell keep getting pounded into the ground?”

“I would have grabbed her!,” he said. “But you let yourself get smacked, so Shell and I had to keep that lady off you while you were vulnerable.”

“Like you couldn’t have just teleported me away while I was out.”

“How was I supposed to know that woman was going to be so tough?”

I decided to contribute. “If you were after the goods, you could have grabbed them while she was busy with me, you know.”

The robed man, whose turban-topped outfit made me think he had some kind of Arabian sorcerer gimmick, looked at me as if he’d just noticed his teammate was using me as a crutch. “Yes, about that, who the hell are you? If you hadn’t been there in the first place, we could have gotten the drop on the dealers and been out of there before that woman knew anything was up.”

Zebra pulled his arm away, apparently good to stand on his own now. Taking a couple steps back, he gave me a once over. “Yeah, I appreciate you waking me up, but what’s your story? What were you doing there?”

“I’m…” I realized I never did come up with a name for myself. Ballcrusher wasn’t exactly a particularly heroic name. Also, it was taken. Same with Dickslapper. And Boyjacker. Even Feel Girl was taken, for fuck’s sake.

We live in profoundly interesting times, let me tell you.

“I’m… um…” I said. “Well, look, I was there to break up the drug sale. I didn’t realize you guys already had it staked out.” Frankly, I wondered how they were even watching the whole thing. Did one of them have a ranged vision power? Did they just use binoculars while they hid in one of the other buildings?

“Well, you’re lucky we were, or you would have been pasted,” said the man, crossing his arms and giving me a stern gaze.

I looked to the side for a moment, a little embarrassed. “Yeah. Um, thanks for the save.” I glanced back at him. “I guess that was you who caught her ball and chain with that ring?”

He uncrossed one arm to hold his hand up. A small golden ring, about the size of a bracelet appeared in his hand, hovering an inch over the palm as it slowly spun in place. “I am Ring Mage. And yes. And you’re welcome.” The ring vanished and he re-crossed his arm. “You still haven’t given your name.”

“I, uh, don’t have one yet.” I said, feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Wonderful,” said a feminine voice behind me. “She’s even more amateur than us.”

I jumped and whirled, not seeing anyone at first, then realizing the voice had come from a shape on the ground. A petite woman in black yoga pants and a tight white tank top was lying on the ground, rubbing her head. She let out a small groan, slowly rolling onto her front and pushing herself up onto her feet, sweeping her long brown hair out of her face. I glanced around to see if she’d been hiding behind one of the roof’s air conditioning units, until I realized that the turtle creature wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I remembered where I’d last seen it, exactly where this girl had been laying.

“Shell?” I asked.

The woman nodded as she stretched out some kinks and massaged a sore shoulder. “Christ, that bitch had to be at least a Class 10. I’m amazed my shell didn’t crack.”

“You alright?” said Zebra. He already had a bit of spring in his step as he went over and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Yeah,” she said with an irritated sigh, rubbing a spot on her lower back. “Phantom pains, mostly. The actual damage heals when I shift.”

“Would that we all had healing factors,” muttered Ring Mage.

“Oh, shut up,” said Shell. “You have like three dozen powers, don’t even start.” She looked me over. “Speaking of, what exactly do you do? That woman was pushing you around pretty easy. Can you even fight? And don’t say Capoeira, that’s just flashy aerobics.”

“Hey!” said Zebra, blanching.

“Um, I do Tae Bo,” I said.

Shell gawked at me for a second, then shook her head. “I was being sarcastic, that’s actually just flashy aerobics!”

“Do you actually have powers?” said Zebra, giving me a curious look. “Or are you just one of those civilantes?”

I shook my head. “Civilantes” were ordinary people (civilians) who were enamored with the idea of being a superhero (vigilante), but had no powers, no training, no skills, and none of the superhuman drive and self-discipline to actually become one. So instead of actually going out and fighting crime, you’d end up with people who, on a weekend or holiday, might put on some spandex and a Halloween mask, and “patrol” around a city, looking for “suspicious activity.” The smart ones who were actually somewhat sincere carried a cell phone, so they could call the cops if they actually saw trouble. The dumb or sleazy ones tried to convince people they were actual superheroes in order to trick people or just get some attention. The delusional ones actually tried to stop crimes, or worse supervillains, and usually got killed or crippled for their trouble.

At this point, despite my best intentions and actually having legitimate super powers, I suddenly felt like I probably fell into the last category.

“Broad said something about controlling balls?” said Ring Mage. For a second, I thought he was going make a joke, but he looked sincere. Then I remembered he apparently had the power to control rings, so, maybe it didn’t actually seem that silly to him.

“Uh… well…” I shuffled my feet a bit, looking to the side. Even if these guys were so small time I’d only ever heard of one of them, I still suddenly felt really self-conscious about the prospect of explaining my powers to an actual group of superheroes. “I can, um… it’s like a…” I struggled to find the most tasteful way to describe it.

“Just say it, will you?” said Shell.

“It’s just… really weird,” I said.

“Dangerous weird?” said Zebra, cautiously.

“Er… well, no, just…”

“What, is it embarrassing?” said Shell. “Like super farts or something? Or acid pee? Or hypnotizing people by flashing your tits?”

“Ugh, god no,” I said. I patted my rather modest bust. “I don’t even look the part for that last one.”

She shrugged. “Some guys are into that,” she said. I noticed that, while they weren’t strictly big, her own breasts were rather perky.

“Alright, well, we’re wasting time here, so if you don’t want to tell us—”

“I can control cocks,” I blurted out. Inwardly, I flinched. Why the fuck did I just say that?

The three of them blinked, shared a glance, then looked back at me. “You mean like… telepathic control of chickens…?” said Zebra in a wary tone.

“I’m pretty sure she means penises,” said Shell, keeping a poker face, until she saw my cheeks flush. She cracked a grin. “Holy shit, really?”

“Uh… yeah…” I looked to the side, not able to look the group in the eyes. Somehow, admitting my powers to this group of heroes was much more embarrassing than actually using them on some crooks. “And, um, also testicles.”

I could sense a sudden spike of panic from the two men and they had to stop themselves from instinctively moving to guard their privates. Ring Mage still unfolded his arms. Zebra spoke up, “Wait, so when you say control…”

I cleared my throat. “Well, I mean, not control, like, actual telekinesis or anything. I can just make guys feel things down there. Like, I can manipulate the signals in their nerves. Make them feel pleasure or pain, make them hard or soft. I could make them feel like someone’s pulling on it, but it would just be a feeling, not actual pulling. Oh, and I can just sense any guy who’s near me, by sensing his cock.”

“Uh, that must be… interesting…” said Zebra.

“You get used to it,” I said.

“Sure.”

“So, I’m guessing that’s why I came to with a boner, huh?” said Zebra. Shell and Ring Mage glanced at him, then back at me with a wary look.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, but I wanted to get you conscious without moving you, and I didn’t want to wake you up with ball slaps or something.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry. Really.”

“Sure.”

“Honey, I think you’re in the wrong line of business,” said Shell. “You should go be a sex therapist or something.” She grinned. “Or at least a hands-free hooker. Think of the bank you could make, without even having to be in the same room as the client!”

I scowled. “Yeah, I dunno, somehow I feel a bit more ambitious that just making some spank money without getting my hands messy.” That wasn’t to say it hadn’t ever occurred to me mind. And after tonight, I couldn’t say it made for a tempting alternative to getting my brains splattered across the wall of a back alley or another abandoned warehouse.

Shell shrugged. “Alright, well, again, sex therapist. Probably make even more money that way.”

“I mean, it only works on guys, obviously,” I said. “I can’t, like, control vaginas.”

“Shame. But you’d probably make enough just helping guys.”

Ring Mage cleared his throat. “Alright, well, if you’re not using your powers for prostitution, how exactly are you finding out about shady drug deals, and where to go to interfere in them?”

I paused. I wasn’t sure how wise it was to actually give away everything about my powers. I certainly didn’t know everything about these guys, Ring Mage least of all if he actually had dozens of abilities.

I crossed my arms and faced him. “How did you find out?”

Ring Mage motioned to the briefcase. “We’ve been tracking a series of these drug sales over the last couple of weeks.”

“That doesn’t entirely answer the question,” I pointed out.

“We’ll be more forthcoming when you are,” he shot back, crossing his own arms again to match my pose.

“We have contacts,” said Zebra. Ring Mage glared at him, but he just shrugged. “Hey, I’ve been at this for a year already. If I hadn’t done any sort of underworld networking by now, I’d still be stuck randomly running around the city waiting for muggings to happen.”

“Okay, makes sense,” I said. “I overheard things in my apartment complex.” That wasn’t really a lie.

“Awful convenient,” said Ring Mage.

“I know, right?” I sighed, dropping my arms to my sides. “Clearly I didn’t hear enough, because if I’d known that Broad chick was going to be there, I’d have left it to the professionals.”

“You should have done that in the first place,” said Shell. “I mean, why did you think you had a chance?”

“I handled those guys pretty easily,” I pointed out. “Just squeezed their nuts with my power until they couldn’t take it, made them drop everything and run.” I sensed both men flinch at the thought, but made a point not to react. “That’s the thing with crooks, y’know, drug dealers, thieves that actually break into houses, muggers, street gangs, like 99% of them are just normal guys. If I can get the drop on them with my powers, I can disable them pretty easily, take them out of the fight before they even know I’m there.”

“Your power has range then?” said Ring Mage.

“Some range, yes,” I said, managing to catch myself before I just gave away my whole power set. I’d just blurted everything out before out of nervousness, but I was more composed now. There was no reason to keep feeding them information.

“Alright, well, this is very fascinating,” said Zebra. “But we need to dispose of the drugs. And the money.” He came over and held out a hand. I was a little surprised, but shook it as he continued. “We do appreciate you trying to help, but you really should just leave it to folks like us from now on. You don’t have to throw yourself into this dangerous life just because you have some kind of super power.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I guess. I just… I dunno. I know my power is weird, but I wanted to do some good with it, you know?”

“Believe me, we all know,” said Zebra, motioning to his teammates. “But, and don’t take this the wrong way, some people just aren’t cut out for this line of work.”

“Yeah, I see that,” I said.

Ring Mage picked up the duffle bag and briefcase. I still had to wonder why a heavy-hitter superhuman like Broad had been there for such a simple transaction, but I decided that these sorts of things just weren’t my business.

A large, golden ring appeared, large enough to accommodate a person. Ring Mage turned to me. “Is there a place I can drop you off?”

Suddenly remembering I’d left my car parked a few blocks from the crime scene, I told him the name of a diner on the same street as my vehicle. He motioned for me to step into the ring. I was surprised to find that the golden metal was immaterial, passing right through my feet as I stood in the middle of it. Then, the ring spun around me a few times, and I was suddenly standing on the sidewalk in front of the aforementioned diner. I looked around, hoping no one had seen me. Pulling my mask off, I hoped my plain black outfit would just look like a long sleeve shirt and tights, but I didn’t see anybody around to notice. All the shops, even the diner, were closed at this hour. I quickly made for my car, and in a few minutes, I was driving back to my apartment, hoping this little indiscretion wasn’t going to come back to haunt me later.